Image in the mirror

It seems as if I wait too long between each post.
I have become embarassed at how much weight I have put on over the years. When I went away to Grad school it was the smallest weight I had been as an adult. I am now larger than than I was on the day that I gave birth to my daughter. I struggle each day. I keep thinking how did I get here. But, I know how I got here. I ate too much. I ate secretly, I ate in my car, I ate things that no one else knew I was eating. By what I eat in front of other people I should lose weight. But what I eat in the shadows is what is preventing me from moving forward.

I have a weight loss coach now. She definately keep me honest about what I am doing. She pushes me to change my habits, my thinking, and to stay true to my path...my plan...my vision.

The other day I was looking in the mirror..my whole body and realized that I am way larger than I invision myself. I breathed in and shook my head...all I can is focus and move forward.

One thing that is helping me is the phrase "I am committed..not interested..in losing weight" " I am committed". This is hard to keep in my mind when I feel upset..I have always gone straight for food when I am upset. I was in the grocery store this week...thinking I really wanted a cupcake...how does one go about buying only one cupcake now..since most groceries sell cupcakes only by 6 or a dozen. hmm...I walked through..looked at everything...and kept going...those moments..I won...I made the choice I wanted to...

Let's see how this week goes.

Hi ho, Hi ho....

I was at a Dance workshop a few weeks ago and we were suppose to already know a choreography when we got there. I have to say I knew it pretty well, but not solid. One of the things the teacher said was if we are serious about being there (which at this level and the price we are paying for the workshop, and the work we have already put in...we should be serious) then we should think of the training as our job, and we should have known the choreography. I agree with her.

Weight loss is what I want. I am going to take this seriously and treat it like my job. This is my job...to lose weight..and the pay off is a better, longer healthier life, and time with those I love. Every morning I am working one hour into my schedule to
1. journal
2. decide on my plan for the day
3. reflect on the emotional process I am going through.

I have a friend who is acting as my personal chef. It has been a bit rocky to get it started but she makes food, portions it out and leaves me with a list of foods I am to eat in a day. I don't have to make any decisions except at the beginning of the day as to which day (Day 1 or day 3?) of food I am going to eat. She is also trying to lose weight so she takes proportioned food home with her.

I have contacted a weight loss coach today. I talked to her in the past and sorta freaked out. But, now I am ready. Now is the time...today is the day.

Hi, ho..hi..ho..off to work I go! YEE haw!

New Year's Resolution

I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions, but this year I have decided to make one. It is to trust myself. To some this may seem easy, but for me it is extremely difficult and I always second guess my choices.

I made several decisions yesterday based on what I know about myself. One thing I was asked yesterday was "What is your weight loss goal this year?" I was blown away by this question. It started me thinking and I realized that has never worked for me. So right then I and there I trusted myself and told them I don't have a specific weight loss goal. You know the saying "by doing what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten"? Well I have always said "I am going to lose 20 lbs by a specific date". I need to find another way to measure my success besides the scale or the tape measure. It can't be about the pounds lost for me. It has to be something else.

I have found that specific short challenges work for me. Right now I am doing a challenge that you get points for certain activities. it is through my trainer. Each person puts in $10 and who ever earns the most points by the end gets 1/2 the money, 2nd and 3rd place each get a quarter. So you get points for working out for 1 hour consecutively, 100 pushups, 200 sit ups..etc..But what is making this challenge extra exciting is the fact that my trainer adds extra challenges each week to get extra points. So it keeps it fresh!

I feel as if I need to find something that pushes me to stay that focused on what I am doing when it comes to food. I find the emotional baggage that comes with food is often overwhelming. I need to find a way to accomplish
1. Track Every day with out getting emotionally involved
2. Make better choices
3. Eat with purpose and knowledge.

I feel like I have finally found the right people to work with on this journey.
I found Suhaila, my dance mentor, first who said once "You have IT in you".
Michelle, my Weight Watchers leader, was next who keeps me motivated and tells us of her mistakes so I know I am not broken.
And now I have found Jill, my trainer, who is positive about my progress. And makes me laugh and feel comfortable in this body, knowing that it is changing.
I feel as if these 3 women are "in it" with me. They have all been where I am once, in the place of discovery and change.

Here is to a new year, a new body, a new mind and a new life.